“Will This Kill Me?”

Good evening. You’re tuned to talk radio 790 WACK. I’m Dr. Mel O. Mann, and welcome to another edition of Will This Kill Me?, the show where you tell me your irrational fears about what you think is going to kill you. Unlike the other hosts on this station, I will try to allay those fears, not stoke them. I’ll try to prove that the world is not as dangerous as you think and that you’re just having Pavlovian reactions to the Internet’s alarmist tendencies. Our sponsor tonight is Valium. “Valium: If you don’t need it, you’re not paying attention.” As always, the phone number is 800-555-PANIC.  Our first caller is Joe from Jersey City. Joe, what do you fear is going to kill you?

Doc, I think I have Ebola.

Joe, you certainly do not have Ebola. Unless you’ve been to West Africa recently, or have handled the bodily fluids of the few known victims in the United States, you have as much chance of getting Ebola as being struck by lightning in the desert. Tell me, Joe, why do you think you have Ebola?

I’ve been vomiting a lot, and I’ve got the shakes.

When did this vomiting and shaking start?

About an hour after I got home from Duffy’s Tavern.

You don’t have Ebola, you’re just hung over.

But before we went to Duffy’s, we were at the Brooklyn bowling alley where the Ebola doctor went. What if I used the same ball as him?

Joe, as every medical expert will tell you, the chance of contracting the disease through casual contact like that is virtually nil. I’d be much more worried about the 500 pairs of feet that used the rented shoes before you. Why don’t you read…?

Well, my girlfriend has been vomiting too, and now she’s bleeding, and I had contact with her blood, and now I’m sure we’re going to die.

I hesitate to ask this, Joe, but what caused your girlfriend to start bleeding?

Well, it’s that time of the month, and …

Joe, you cannot get Ebola from touching your hung over girlfriend’s menstrual blood! I think it’s time to take another call. Wanda from Wisconsin, what do you fear is going to kill you?

Hey, Doc. Yesterday I took my sister to the hospital to get a colonoscopy, and I didn’t want to get Ebola, so I wore a homemade hazmat suit.

A homemade hazmat suit?

Yes. I especially didn’t want to come in contact with the doctor and nurses because you can get it from feces and, you know, they were sticking stuff up her poop chute. Anyway, on the way out, I forgot and took my gloves off to scratch an itch on my nose and then I touched a button on the elevator. So now I’m living in a tent with a Port-a-Potty in my backyard, my husband brings me my meals on paper plates and paper cups, and then I burn all my garbage.

(Sigh.) Listen, Wanda, there are no known Ebola patients anywhere near Wisconsin, so you’re definitely not going to get it from touching an elevator. And if you’re asymptomatic…

Yeah, but my sister’s husband just returned from a business trip to South Africa so…

South Africa doesn’t have Ebola. It is 3,000 miles from the nearest country with Ebola. It’s like the distance between New York and Los Angeles. Listen, while as a nation we should take precautions, you getting Ebola is as unlikely as George W. Bush selling one of his paintings to the Louvre. Let’s take another call, and please, nothing more about Ebola. Vern from Vermont, what’s going to kill you?

Yeah, Doc, I was watching the ISIS videos and now I’m worried they are going to come and behead me. I mean, I’m not afraid of dying for what I believe in, but I’d rather do it with my head still attached, know what I’m saying?

First off, Vern, why would you watch those videos?  They are disturbing as hell, and the only way you could see them is by seeking them out, so that seems morbid. Second, if you are nowhere near Syria or Iraq or Turkey, and are not planning to visit there soon, there is no chance that ISIS is coming to behead you.

But Doc, I wrote a letter to the editor of our local weekly, opposing the imposition of sharia law, and I’m sure I’m now on their enemies list.

Nobody is imposing sharia law in Vermont, Vern, and I’m sure ISIS is not reading your local newspaper. Trust me, they are not coming to the Green Mountain State.

That’s what they want you to think. Anyway, my 16-year-old daughter has stopped speaking to me. I think she’s planning to run off to join ISIS, like those girls in Colorado.

Your 16-year-old daughter is probably not speaking to you because she’s 16 years old. That’s what teenagers often do. Stop thinking that every incident that happens 2,000 miles away applies to you. OK, let’s try a different caller. Steve from New York, what’s going to kill you?

I’m frightened to death, Doc. ISIS terrorists are sneaking across our southern border disguised as Central American children, and they’re carrying the Ebola virus with them in weapons they can fire into village squares. Obama is letting them do it because a pandemic would allow him to impose martial law. We’re all going to die under a totalitarian state.

Steve, Steve, I beg you, for the love of God. Please turn off Fox News. Now.

I can’t. I co-host their morning show.

Ugh. Can we get just one intelligent caller, with a genuine reason to be concerned, like climate change?  Ah, here we go, Barack from D.C. What’s making you tremble with fear, Mr. President?

Well, Doc, I have this security detail that’s supposed to be elite, that’s supposed to take a bullet for me if necessary. But in fact they suck.  Just in the last month, they’ve allowed people to climb over our fence and run around near the Oval Office, and allowed another man with a knife to get on an elevator next to me.

Yes, I read about that. On the bright side, I listened to the Congressional testimony and it’s good to know that, even in these hyper-partisan times, the Republicans are concerned about your health.

Sure, that’s what it was. Anyway, it hasn’t gotten better. This morning, I was taking a bath and an intruder came in and tried to plug in a toaster and throw it in the tub. Good thing Biden peeked in and said, “Hey, can I get a bagel?” or I don’t know what would have happened. I mean, I no longer feel safe here. What should I do?

I’ve got a solution. Get the networks to keep playing the footage of Sarah Palin saying you live at 1400 Pennsylvania Avenue. The intruders will go to the wrong address and you can bathe in peace.

Hey, that’s a good idea, Doc. Would you be interested in being my Surgeon General?

Hell no. Next, let’s hear from Paula from Walla Walla. Paula, what’s your fear?

Wait, Doc, I have a question for you. You’re always taking our calls, trying to talk through our irrational fears with reason and logic. But everyone has irrational fears – snakes, spiders, etc. What’s your irrational fear? What are you afraid is going to kill you?

I’m glad you asked me that, Paula. I do have one strong irrational fear: Heights. I have recurring nightmares where I’m looking over the edge of a very tall building and I wake up in a cold sweat. I understand that the dreams are probably metaphorical – it’s highly unlikely that I’ll ever find myself in that position in real life, and I’ve stood at enclosed summits, like the top of the Empire State Building, without any fear.  But if I see a photo or advertisement where a celebrity or model is perched on the roof of a tall building, I imagine myself falling, falling… Wait, I think I’m going to be sick.

You’re afraid of heights?  Ha ha ha, what a loser!

Gee, thanks. Cassie from Tallahassee, what do you fear is going to kill you?

Every day, I’m frightened, Doc. I go online and all I see are posts about war, disease, bigotry, poverty, injustice. It overcomes me and I fear we are nearing the apocalypse. This is the worst time in human history.

Stop it, Cassie. This is not the worst time in human history. I understand your reaction. The Internet has made the world smaller, so you get hit with all the bad things happening in the world immediately, and you’re letting it unduly frighten you. In fact, statistics show that the world is healthier than it’s ever been, more people are escaping poverty, and the world is generally more peaceful than usual. Can you imagine if we had the Internet back in 1944?  War and butchery on every continent, dead bodies floating on Omaha Beach, Jews led to the gas chambers in the concentration camps. Your Facebook feed would have been a nonstop horror show; even cat videos wouldn’t have amused you.  Or how about 1918? Millions dead in World War I, hundreds of thousands dead in a flu epidemic that dwarfs Ebola. The Huffington Post’s front page would have been scarier than all the Stephen King novels put together. Or how about 1863, during the Civil War, with slavery still…

You mean it can get much worse than this?  Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhh… (Drops phone)

OK, that went well. Charlotte from North Carolina, what’s keeping you awake at night?

Well, Doc, it’s guns. People are getting killed for trivial things like playing loud music or texting in a movie theater, there are shootings in high schools, while other people are carrying Uzis into their local Chipotle. It’s like the Wild West out there. I’m worried that I’m going to get hit in the crossfire.

Thank you, Charlotte. Finally someone with a rational concern. The homicide rate in the U.S. is disgracefully high, much higher than any other developed country. But did you know that the homicide rate is exactly half what it was twenty years ago, and keeps dropping? The annual rate was 9.5 per 100,000 in 1994 but it was only 4.7 last year. In fact, a handgun is more likely to be used in a suicide than a homicide. The murder rate is still much too high, of course, but while I certainly cannot guarantee your safety, I can say that, statistically speaking, as an American, you are safer than you have been in decades.

That’s all well and good, Doc, but my dumbass brother just walked into the living room and said he was going to clean his gun now. I asked him to please check first to see if the gun is loaded, but the jackass said, “Why? I know it’s not loaded.”

Charlotte, I’d advise you to get out of the house immediately for your own safety. Recently, a young man in the town next to mine accidentally killed his girlfriend while cleaning his gun. The carelessness of some people is astounding. Now let’s talk to John from Denver. John, you’re on WACK radio. What’s going to kill you?

I’m talking to you on my cell phone while texting my sister. Is this going to kill me?

Don’t be silly. Of course not. No definitive link has ever been established between cell phone use and brain…

Oh, I should have mentioned that I’m talking to you and texting while driving my car down the Thruway at 70 mph after drinking a fifth of vodka.

For God’s sake, man, yes, that might kill someone! Pull over! Pull over to the side of the road right now. Right now! (Waits a moment.) OK, have you pulled over?

Yes.

Is there anyone else in the car that can drive?

Yeah, my buddy Frank.

Has he been drinking?

No…

Thank goodness. Let him take the wheel.

… He says booze interferes with the buzz he gets from heroin.

No, no! Please stay on the line and talk to my producer and she’ll call you a cab. Oy. Our next caller is Orlando from Florida. Orlando, what’s your irrational fear?

A new neighbor just moved in next door. I think he’s going to kill me.

For heaven’s sake, why would you think your new neighbor would want to kill you?

He’s George Zimmerman.

Oh. Well, I can understand your concern. But let’s look at this logically. Yes, Zimmerman killed a young man and reports about his recent aggressive behavior should give one pause. But I think that if you keep to yourself and avoid confrontations, you won’t be in any danger …

Too late.

What do you mean, too late?

I’m walking my dog and she just ran up and took a dump on his lawn. Now Zimmerman is running this way, screaming obscenities at us while waving his gun. I gotta run!

Yikes. Even I’m starting to feel irrational fears. OK, let’s talk to Anita from, she says, an undisclosed location. Anita, you must be terrified of something very serious if you’re in hiding. What do you think is going to kill you?

An Internet troll.

Well, Anita, I know Internet trolls can be disgusting but I really doubt that…

Have you ever gotten a death threat from one of them? Or had one of them threaten to rape you?

Well, no, but…

Well, I have. And so have many other women I know. Have you been following GamerGate?

Yeah, a little. Male gamers have been harassing women game developers who have criticized the culture’s sexism.

Yes. Then these asswipes threatened us with vile comments on Twitter, in Internet threads. They published our home addresses and phone numbers, with messages that they are outside our front doors with guns, and several of us have had to stay away from our homes out of fear. If someone who knew your home address threatened you, wouldn’t you be frightened?

Absolutely. Have you contacted the authorities?

Yeah. And I’m sure they’ll get right on that, about the same time I track down Bigfoot. A couple of weeks ago, I was supposed to give a speech at Utah State but I received a death threat. I checked with the security people there and they told me that state open carry laws prevented them from stopping attendees from bringing guns because, you know, freedom, yay America. I had to cancel my speech. Listen, I know they are just a small subset of the gaming community and that it’s unlikely one of these gutless twerps will take a shot at me but why should I take that chance? 

I think you are right to be afraid. Thanks for your call. It’s a reminder that for all the threats we face, real or imagined, the worst one is the bigotry, ignorance, and aggression of our fellow man. It’s also a reminder that while the Internet can exaggerate public threats, it allows others to deliver private threats directly. As always, it pays to be vigilant. I have time for one last caller. Fred from Flushing, you’re on WACK radio. What’s going to kill you?

Actually, Doc, I expect to die of natural causes.

Really?  It’s great, Fred, that you’re so rational and….

Nah, just kidding.  The zombie apocalypse is coming and…

Yeah, okay. Well, that’s all the time we have for this edition of Will This Kill Me? I’ll be back tomorrow night to discuss more irrational fears. In the meantime, I’m going home where there is a bottle of wine with my name on it. Please stay tuned for Who Needs Science?  Oh, and get a flu shot.

Posted in politics, satire, social media | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Bad Times, Good Times

I rarely discuss my family in public, either in this blog or on social media. Much of what I do say or write is invented or exaggerated for comic effect, which has led some readers to tell me, “Your wife is so funny!” (Trust me, she isn’t.) I have no trouble discussing my own life in detail – battles with depression and writer’s block, for example – but I consider their privacy to be sacrosanct. My wife jokes that if she died, I probably wouldn’t tell any of my virtual friends, which I think is nonsense…. no wait, she’s probably right.

Today, however, I make an exception. This past weekend was notable for two reasons. It was the anniversary of an event that has had awful consequences for our family; and it was the date of an event that made us gloriously happy.

First the bad. It was two years ago yesterday that my wife lost her job with a Fortune 500 company. She hasn’t worked a day since. She had worked full-time from the mid-1970s and had experienced only three months of unemployment in all that time, but now that she is in her sixties, she has trouble even getting an interview. After many starts and stops, I’ve finally hunkered down to write an e-book about age discrimination and her long-term unemployment – finally finished a first draft, yay me – so I’m saving the details for that. Suffice it to say that it has been a difficult time for us financially and, especially for her, emotionally.

But if my wife’s future – and mine – are looking a little dim, my daughter Nicole’s is looking very bright. Friday was the day she graduated from the Culinary Institute of America.

Like many high school graduates, Nicole went off to college with only a vague idea of what she wanted to do with her life, and one year at Boston University did nothing to clarify it. She had long been interested in baking, especially desserts, and after repeatedly filling our DVR with shows from the Food Network, she realized it was her true passion. She applied to, and was accepted by, the Culinary Institute but before starting there, she spent a couple of years working, including stints at two different bakeries that went out of business, saving money for tuition.

(Nicole and her friend meet Food Network's Alton Brown)

(Nicole and her friend meet Food Network’s Alton Brown)

The Culinary Institute, a beautiful campus along the Hudson River in Hyde Park, just a mile south of the FDR estate, is not like other colleges. Its curriculum is not the usual “Math class at 9, spend an hour lazing on the quad, American Literature at 11.” Rather, it is broken up into three-week segments, each with one intensive class on some aspect of the business. They have a new entering class every three weeks, with the majority entering the Culinary Arts program (the path that leads to being a chef), with a lesser number joining the Baking and Pastry Arts program (Nicole was one of about 20 in her group). You have the same classmates in each class; it’s like Army enlistees going through basic training together. Nicole herself said it’s like a military operation, and the expectation for co-operation and hard work is high; the easy A’s and grade inflation that occur at other schools does not exist here.

Since many of the classes include work at some of the campus restaurants, students are often required to be up before the crack of dawn. The program also requires a four-month internship at a food business; Nicole spent last winter working at King Arthur Flour in Vermont, which required the girl who used to hate rising before noon to be at work at 4 a.m. five days a week, often in sub-zero temperatures. The difficulty of the program weeds out the students who aren’t serious.

Nicole was serious. Which is why, on Friday, the school gave her the Katherine Angell Academic Achievement Award for having the highest GPA of her graduating Baking class (she was the only one above 3.5; only one of the Culinary students had higher).

N CIA graduate_2

After a ceremony which included the singing of the only alma mater to rhyme “our own way” with “Escoffier,” graduates and their families celebrated at a buffet with hors d’oeuvres created by the current students, who showed off their skills and precision. Honestly, I didn’t know what half of the dishes were, but I sampled as many as I could. All of them were beautifully presented; my favorite was a lemon meringue in the shape of a tulip.

As I write this, Nicole is somewhere in northern California, probably sitting in a bakery or restaurant. The day after graduation, she boarded a flight to San Francisco with two of her classmates, one of whom lives in Napa Valley, for a well-earned ten-day vacation, eating their way up and down the California coast. They had a long list of places to try, to which some of my California friends on Facebook kindly added. A week after she returns home, she will begin working in the kitchen of an upscale restaurant near Union Square in Manhattan. It will be hard for her – the starting pay isn’t great and the commuting costs and time will be extensive. (Heck, it will hard for me – I’ll have to pick her up at the train station after midnight five times a week.) But she has a plan, she has dedication, and her future promises to be quite a feast, to which I say: Mangia!

Posted in Music | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

It Happened One Nightmare

As my head hit the pillow and I slowly drifted off into sleep, I had no idea that I was about to endure the worst nightmare I’d ever had.

I was sitting at a desk in an office, as I often do in my dreams, as I did for many years in real life.  I was surrounded by dozens of desks, each occupied by a programmer typing code into his or her computer. I was wearing headphones, listening to soft music to block the chatter from the other workers. According to the logo on my screen, I was working for Facebook.

Eventually nature called. As I prepared to go to the men’s room, I took off my headphones. And that’s when it began.

Frank, who sat at the desk on my right, looked up at me and said, “Have you seen this video?  What happens at the 1:45 mark will blow you away.”

“Uh, no,” I replied. “Not now. I’ve gotta go take a leak.”

As I walked away, Suzy, who sat to Frank’s right, chimed in. “Want to see a picture of what I had for lunch?  Tell me, doesn’t that tomato make your mouth water?”

“Yes,” I said. “I don’t mean to be rude, but I’ve got…”

Maria, sitting behind Suzy, yelled, “Hey, check out this life hack. Peeling bananas: you’ve been doing it wrong.”

I rolled my eyes as I kept walking. “I’ve never had a problem peeling a banana.”

I sped up my pace but found myself in front of Ted, whose eyes were bulging. “Did you see the news this morning?” he cried. “I’m outraged. You should be outraged too.  Why aren’t you sitting at your desk posting outraged rants like me? Don’t you care about justice?”

I tried to ignore him, but hadn’t taken more than two steps before Mike stood up and yelled at me, “It’s all Obama’s fault. He’s a socialist Muslim tyrant appeaser.”

Mike had barely gotten the words out before Carol said, “It’s all Obama’s fault. He’s a spineless corporate-shilling war criminal.”

I tried to walk past Sandra’s desk, but she stopped me and said, “These Buzzfeed quizzes say I should be a 1920s Parisian Confucian pirate hipster.  I always knew it!”

I ignored her and tried to hurry toward the restroom door, muttering, “Jesus, all I want to do is urinate,” but I found the aisle blocked by William. He was holding a cardboard placard inches from my face. As my eyes focused, I saw that it read, “SOMEBODY WILL PHOTOSHOP WORDS I’VE NEVER SAID ONTO THIS CARD.”

Exasperated, I turned back to my right, where Sandra was now saying, “My second cousin’s best friend has started a business. Be a pal and like his business page, even though you’ve never met him and will never use his services.”

I kept walking but realized I was going in circles when I found myself back in front of Ted’s desk. “I’m so outraged by the news that I changed my profile picture,” he growled. “If you cared, you’d do the same. It’s the silence of people like you that enables the fascists.”

I began dashing toward the door but people at each desk began shouting at me: “Sign my petition to end…”  “Look at this cat chasing a bear…”  “You must read this…” “Bob Williams poked you…”  “Learn the seven habits of …” “Somebody you’ve never heard of tweeted something offensive.”

Suddenly my path was blocked by Chris, who was standing in the aisle, holding a bucket of ice water. “You haven’t done the challenge yet, have you?” he asked. “Come on, I think it’s your turn to take … Hey, where are you going? Do you want people to get debilitating diseases?”

I pushed him out of the way and ran toward the door as fast as I could, but all I could hear was a cacophony of noise:

“Gaza … The Bible says … Racism… Guns … Beheadings … Insert inspirational aphorism here … Monsanto … Fake news story … Real men don’t … Ebola …”

“Stop it!” I screamed. “Please stop it!” I … just … want … to … pee!”

I ripped open the men’s room door and exhaled. I hadn’t realized that I had been holding my breath. I walked over to the sink and looked into the mirror. My face was pale, as if it had seen a ghost. I ran some cold water and splashed it on my face. The sound of the running faucet was so loud that I didn’t hear a man approach the sink next to mine. When I realized someone was there, I jumped.

“You startled me,” I said. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

“A little overwhelming in there, huh?” he asked.

I nodded. “It’s one thing to see it on the screen where you can scroll past, but hearing it out loud? Yikes.”

“Then don’t go working for Twitter or Reddit,” he said. “They’re fucking nuts over there.”

I laughed. “Oh, I believe it. Sometimes the Internet makes the Tower of Babel sound like one of those monasteries where they take a vow of silence.”

“You know who has an interesting take on that?” the man asked. “Sherry Turkle, in her book Alone Together. She wrote, ‘The ties we form through the Internet are not, in the end, the ties that bind. But they are the ties that preoccupy.’”

“Hey, I just saw that quote yesterday,” I said. “So I went and browsed her book…”

“… on Amazon. Yes, I know,” he said. “They are selling the paperback for $9.60 with an Amazon Prime membership, or you can get the Kindle version for $8.49. Then, after you looked at Turkle’s book, you went and browsed the new Tom Petty CD. You know, you can download his greatest hits there for just…”

“Wait, how do you know what I browsed?” I looked at him closely for the first time and realized he had no employee ID on a lanyard around his neck. “You don’t work here. How did you get in?  I’m going to call Security.”

I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket, but he just chuckled. “Relax, dude,” he said. “Facebook not only allowed me in here, it invited me. They’ve sold me your personal data, and of all the other people in there.  I know your musical tastes, your political leanings, and your favorite sports team. I know where you live and what your wife and kids look like.  I know everywhere you browse on the Internet and most of them sold me your personal data too. I even know about that kinky porn site you …”

I screamed. “Noooooooo!”

“Dear, dear, are you OK?”

I opened my eyes and saw my wife rolling over in bed to turn on her light. She had a look of concern on her face. “You screamed,” she said, “so I assumed you had a nightmare.”

“Oh, it was horrible,” I said as I sat up. “I dreamed that I was working for Facebook…”

“Well, that explains why you muttered, ‘Goddamn Zuckerberg.’”

“…and nobody would shut up. They kept yelling every thought that came into their head at me, about politics, movies, diets, pets, stupid quizzes.  I couldn’t make it stop. Even when I walked away, people still knew everything about me, even though I hadn’t opened my mouth. I was even exposed to the opinions of the friends of my friends, no matter how stupid…”

“Oh, that reminds me,” she said. She began to give me that look, the one that makes me think she has a divorce lawyer on speed-dial. “I posted pictures yesterday from Marian’s birthday lunch, and you didn’t like, or comment on, any of them. What, I’m not important enough for you? You can spend time with all these virtual friends you’ve never met in real life, but you can’t spare a click for the person who bore your two children? You know, you have some…”

I laid my head back down on the bed and held the pillow tightly over my ears. It seemed to muffle the sound well. I hope I get back to sleep soon. Maybe this time, if I’m lucky, I’ll dream that I’m working at Calm.com. 

 

Posted in personal, satire, social media | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

We Regret the Error

THIS WEEK’S CORRECTIONS:

In an article in our sports section on July 28, we stated that Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice received a 20-game suspension from the NFL as punishment for assaulting his fiancée. In fact, the league issued Rice a two-game suspension. The memo we received from the NFL said that it was a two-game suspension, but we assumed that it was a typo. Instead of following up with a phone call, however, we went with our assumption about what they meant to say. We regret the error.

On August 1, under the H.L. Mencken quote, “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people,” we published an editorial stating that the Sarah Palin Channel was such an obvious hoax that we couldn’t believe it was fooling so much of the media. In fact, the Sarah Palin Channel is a real thing. We regret the error, though we stand by the Mencken quote.

Due to a transcription foul-up during editing, our July 24 review of the movie Sex Tape said about the lead actors, Jason Segal and Cameron Diaz, “Never has so much arrogance, evil and quest for power been concentrated in two people.” In fact, this sentence was supposed to appear in our story about Charles and David Koch. We regret the error.

In a July 24 article about an Arizona execution, we stated that the inmate, Joseph Wood III, “died peacefully after receiving a lethal injection.” In fact, Mr. Wood died slowly and painfully, gasping for breath for much of the next two hours and ultimately receiving 15 times the recommended dosage before expiring. Unlike some government officials, we regret the error.

On August 3, we published an article titled “The 10 Books You Must Read This Summer.” In fact, you don’t have to read any of them. We regret the error.

Due to an unfortunate juxtaposition in the Arts and Leisure section on August 2, a photo of Justin Bieber appeared next to an article titled “How Show Business Enables the Immature.” We regret the error and ask Mr. Bieber to please stop TP-ing our office.

On July 29, we published an editorial on the fighting between Israel and Hamas. Due to the volume of hate mail we received, we regret the error.

In an August 2 story on the House Intelligence Committee’s report on Benghazi, we stated that the report reportedly exonerated “President Hillary Clinton.” That was an obvious goof; after all, Mrs. Clinton won’t be elected President for another … holy Christ, that election is still 800 days away? In addition, in an editorial about the Benghazi report, we wrote that House Oversight Committee Chairman “Darrell Issa couldn’t spell cat if you spotted him the c and the a.” Rep. Issa phoned us and demonstrated that, in fact, he can spell cat. We regret the errors.

Our July 31 issue had a front-page story titled, “Shark Attack Decapitates Statue of Liberty.” It turned out that our reporter was watching a TV-movie, Sharknado 2: The Second One, and not a live news report. We regret the error.

Regarding our above correction about the decapitation of the Statue of Liberty, we were contacted by Ashley Peters of Peoria, IL, who still has Sharknado 2 on her DVR and has not watched it yet. She complained that the correction was not tagged with a “spoiler alert.” We regret the error.

In our July 31 article about the new sperm bank in Brooklyn, we should not have referred to the donations as “artisanal.” We regret the error.

Our August 6 article about former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee supporting the impeachment of President Obama included a glaring typo. Mr. Huckabee’s last name does not begin with the letter F. We regret the error.

In our 5,000-word August 5 report on the two Americans who have contracted Ebola and are receiving experimental treatment, we failed to mention the 1,711 Africans who have contracted it during the current outbreak and don’t have access to quality health care. In addition, our editorial entitled “Ebola Has Come to America. Run for Your Lives!” failed to mention that you can only contract Ebola if you come into contact with a victim’s bodily fluids. We regret the oversights.

Posted in media, politics, satire | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Erotic Gifts For the Crossword Lover

Want to spruce up your relationship with the crossword lover in your life? Need to redirect your partner’s attention from the grid to the groin? Cruciverbalists (Clue: Creators or aficionados of crossword puzzles) live in a world where short, obscure, vowel-heavy words like alee (Clue: Ship side away from the wind) rule and where Brian Eno (Clue: Recorded “Another Green World”) is a more important musician than Elvis or Beethoven. However, puzzles are sexier than you think, and not just because The New York Times recently used shtup as an answer. Try any of these crossword-related gifts and soon the two of you (or if you’re really lucky, the three of you!) will be filling boxes both across and down. 

1. Buy the woman in your life an obi (Clue: Kimono sash). However, don’t buy the kimono because wearing an obi without the kimono means she’s practically naked, and isn’t that the point?

2. Sticking with the Japanese theme, take your main squeeze for a romantic dinner for two at the local sushi restaurant. Start with a bowl of miso (Clue: Japanese soup). Order some ahi (Clue: Yellowfin tuna) or unagi (Clue: Freshwater eel). Wash it down with a few glasses of sake and you’ll both be ready for a mount, and I don’t mean Fuji (Clue: Highest peak in Japan).

3. Tell your man that you want to see an emu (Clue: Large flightless bird) in the wild. When he points out that the emu is not indigenous to North America, hand him two round-trip tickets to Australia. He will feel a sudden urge to explore “down under.”

4. Alternately, you can thrill your sweetie with round-trip tickets to Honolulu. Tell her you want to sample some poi (Clue: Taro root dish) at a luau (Clue: Kauai cookout) on a lanai (Clue: Oahu veranda) while a hula dancer plays the uke (Clue: Maui music maker). Guaranteed to get you lei’d.

5. Nin (Clue: Author of “Delta of Venus”) is not just a handy three-letter name; it’s the last name of Anais Nin, who became famous for writing erotica. Let your significant other read lines like, “When she closed her eyes she felt he had many hands, which touched her everywhere, and many mouths, which passed so swiftly over her, and with a wolflike sharpness, his teeth sank into her fleshiest parts,” and it may be the gift that keeps on giving.

6. Or you could give your lover a copy of Omoo (Clue: Herman Melville’s South Seas novel). The book is only remembered today because its title is ideal for crosswords. However, tell him seductively that Melville’s nautical tales make you want to look for an able seaman, and if he isn’t soon looking for a berth to dock his moby dick, you can call me Ishmael.

7. Nothing can put her in the mood like music, and if you have a trained voice, you’re in. Sing her an aria (Clue: Operatic solo) like “Eri tu” (Clue: Song from Verdi’s “Un Ballo in Maschera”) and maybe she’ll blow something other than an oboe (Clue: Double-reed woodwind).

8. What’s more romantic than a picnic? Find a bucolic lea (Clue: Grassy meadow), bring a bottle from Asti (Clue: Italian wine region), and you may soon be singing, “Birds do it, bees do it….” Be careful; it can get a little itchy out there on the grass, so remember that lotion made from aloe (Clue: African shrub) is very soothing. Offer to rub it all over her skin, and I do mean all over. (Bonus points if her name is Vera.)

9. Why would you buy her an etui (Clue: Small, decorative case)? After all, it’s used to hold sewing needles, tweezers and makeup pencils, and doesn’t that sound a little too suggestive of “women’s work?” But who says that’s what has to go there? I would suggest filling it with jewelry, theater tickets or a day pass to the spa. Or, even better, a sex toy.

10. The only place you see the French word nee (Clue: Formerly known as), beside the crossword puzzle, is in wedding announcements. So if you’ve been considering taking the plunge, get down on your (k)nee before your sweetie and offer to put a nee before the surname. Hopefully, he or she will answer, “Oui, oui.” And, hey, as long as you’re down on your knees…

Feel free to create your own version. For example, it doesn’t take a genius to get erotic with “tit (Clue: Small songbird) for tat (Clue: To make lace).” You can even demonstrate your disappointment that, in crosswords, the answer to “__ Lingus” is always “Aer.” Follow my advice and soon it will be Hump Day, even if it’s not Wednesday. But I warn you not to speak Urdu (Clue: Pakistani language) – the NSA might be listening. Finally, please remember to use protection. You don’t want to fertilize her ova (Clue: Female reproductive cells), do you?

Posted in Music | Leave a comment

Writer’s Block

A writer not writing is practically a maniac within himself.
F. Scott Fitzgerald

Since Christmas, I have published just two new blog posts. I wish I could say it was because I was slaving away on the Great American Novel. I wasn’t. Something depressing happened: I lost the joy of writing.

It didn’t happen overnight. Rather, it was a gradual process over the last eighteen months. I still spent part of many days with an open document on my screen. However, my thoughts stopped jumping from my brain to the page. I increasingly doubted the wisdom of every paragraph, every sentence, every word. Nothing was ever good enough: the analysis was too shallow, the humor too facile, the logic too slack. On the rare occasion that I finished something, I hesitated, or declined, to post it. Once I began doubting the value of my creative ideas, the creative ideas dried up. My mind became a battlefield between my desire to write and my sense of futility, and futility won.

This is not a problem for anyone but me, of course. I am well aware that if I never produce another word of prose, the world will not notice. However, like many who spend dreary days pushing papers, ringing up cash registers or manufacturing dispensable products for a living simply because they require a paycheck, I need a creative outlet, something I can point to and say, “I did that.” I don’t have a green thumb, I’m tone-deaf, I can’t draw a straight line, I can’t cook, I’m too poor to travel, jogging bores me and my wife is prepared to call 911 whenever I pick up a hammer and nail. Slinging words is all I’ve got. I take it seriously. Without it, I feel adrift.

I always wanted to be a writer. A compulsive reader since childhood, I briefly majored in journalism at college before choosing a career path with a steadier income, a decision that I often lamented. When I began writing on a whim twelve years ago, it was like reconnecting with my high school sweetheart and learning she still carried a torch for me. I felt decades of suppressed inspiration bubble to the surface. It was strictly a hobby because I had a well-paying day job and my only readers were my immediate family, but I had no ambition beyond that. It was the happiest I’ve ever been.

When I started a blog five years ago, after my well-paying day job ended, and suddenly had an audience that didn’t share my DNA, I was buoyed by the feedback. I felt like I was developing a clear, distinguishable voice. I enjoyed all phases of the process, from the initial outpouring of words and thoughts to the discipline of sculpting them into a final form. I couldn’t imagine writer’s block because I had more ideas than time to write. Although I recognized that having 30-40 readers in a world of seven billion people meant I was in no danger of being stopped for autographs, I was satisfied.

“You should write a book,” several people told me. “You should be marketing yourself.” I had made a little bit of money from writing – enough for a couple tanks of gas, an oil change, and hey rotate the tires while you’re at it – but it was accidental, not part of some career strategy. In fact, I had no career strategy and no plan to develop one. At my age (I recently turned 63), the scraping and hustling required to earn probably meager rewards held no appeal for me.

However, I gave it a shot. I had written several political satires, so I decided to write more and collect them into a self-published book for the 2012 Presidential election. Though I was reasonably satisfied with the result, I knew the subject matter ensured it a brief shelf life. Further, the aftermath required business skills – marketing, salesmanship, self-promotion – that are not part of my genetic makeup; I’d rather chew glass than persuade someone to buy something he doesn’t need. As a result, the book’s readers were mostly the same people who read my blog. I was disappointed but accepted it.

I continued to post political satires, but by Election Night, I had grown sick of it. Ridiculing politicians felt like picking low hanging fruit. In fact, I was weary of political discussion, with its partisan rancor, constant outrage and snarky commentary. I no longer wished to contribute to it. I also realized that by relentlessly mocking Republicans, but not the liberal pieties that also sometimes bugged me, I was tailoring my writing for the approval of my friends, validating their pre-existing beliefs. Subtract the entertainment value, if any, and it seemed like a pointless endeavor. That troubled me. I decided to cut back on blogging and return to writing for myself first and worry later about readers, if any.

I wanted to try my hand at fiction. I wrote one short story (posted on another website) that I liked, but nothing else I produced seemed satisfactory. I knew I didn’t have the chops to write a serious novel, but I had an idea for a comic one and read some comic novels – The Magic Christian, A Confederacy of Dunces – hoping they would inspire me. They didn’t. I started writing anyway but quickly sensed that the idea wouldn’t justify, say, 75,000 words and I would be spending months toiling on what would be one more piece of disposable trash tossed upon the 21st century content landfill. Whenever I spent an hour on it, I hated myself. I abandoned the project.

I began writing first-person essays, which I’ve always enjoyed. They were long and personal, too much so for blog posts, and I doubted the wisdom of spending so much time on things that might never see the light of day. Worse, I couldn’t finish them. There is no sense writing about yourself if you are not going to be honest, and I questioned the accuracy of my memories. I second-guessed every sentence – which is normal and healthy – but I also third-, fourth- and fifth-guessed them, like a person with OCD constantly checking if the stove is turned off. My writing folders slowly filled with projects in varying degrees of incompleteness.

My struggle deepened when my wife lost her job. Writing immediately dropped low on my list of priorities; it now seemed an inconsequential, unprofitable, and ultimately masturbatory activity. My wife encouraged me to keep writing but I found it difficult to concentrate. Besides the frequent interruptions – I had always been able to block off a few uninterrupted hours of solitary time for writing, but no longer – I felt guilty about having an enjoyable pastime while she was feeling miserable.

As she joined the group dispassionately dubbed “the long-term unemployed,” I thought her plight might be a good subject for an e-book. We have friends in the same boat, people in their AARP years who have been abandoned by the economy and forced to drain their retirement savings too early, and I thought I could provide a voice for them. However, I froze. My reticence about opening up our lives to public discussion proved daunting. I was also aware that, as a white, heterosexual male, America had given me advantages that had been denied to many others – our worst year was better than many others’ best year – and I feared that my complaints would sound like privileged whining. Instead of composing a cogent narrative, I just scratched out some random sentences or phrases, like a bored student doodling in the margins of his notebook. I abandoned that project too.

What had been a labor of love was now just labor. Few ideas were bubbling; my mind seemed as flat as an open can of day-old Pepsi. My humor muscles had atrophied. I felt out of sync, like a baseball player who had developed a hitch in his swing, flailing at curve balls and not swinging at fastballs he used to knock out of the park. I confessed my quandary privately to a couple of my writer friends. Their advice, essentially, took the form of aphorisms like “follow your heart” and “take it one step at a time;” well-meaning but useless, like telling a depressed person to start his day with a smile.

I made one last attempt to stimulate my creative juices by going through my old writing. My plan was to choose the best things I’d ever written and winnow it down to 25. But I had trouble winnowing it up to 25. Few pieces seemed as good as I remembered them. When I read the rare one that met my approval, it was like looking at a picture of your younger, slimmer, more confident self and wondering: Whatever happened to that guy?

I told a couple of people that I was taking a sabbatical from writing, hoping my frustrated urge would eventually overpower my doubts. In fact, I was actively avoiding reminders of my failure. During the day, I embraced any distraction from my growing inventory of unfinished writing projects. But at night, when I should have drifted into a peaceful sleep, I tossed and turned obsessing about my absent Muse.

I keep expecting the joy to return. It hasn’t. (For example, this essay has been languishing on my laptop for weeks, waiting for me to conquer my procrastination and apprehension enough to finish it, though maybe the fact that I did finish it is a good sign.) In the grand scheme of life, my loss is pretty damned unimportant. But I expected writing to play a major role in the rest of my life. I had spent much of my adult life lamenting its absence. If I have an average life expectancy, I might have twenty good years left. I don’t want to lament them too.

Posted in depression, media, personal, politics | Tagged , | 1 Comment

I Don’t Live in Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood

Mr. Rogers

(I first posted this back in February 2009. Reason for repost at the end.)

I wish we could all be more like Mister Rogers. Five days a week for more than thirty years, he invited viewers into his neighborhood, where it was always a wonderful day. It was no coincidence that he was a contemporary of my mother, who often told me stories about growing up during the Depression, sitting on her front stoop and playing with the kids in her neighborhood. Even in her later years, she could remember all of their names. In my own youth, I would join regular pick-up games of touch football or wiffle ball with my neighbors in the streets in front of our homes.

This all sounds quaint to me now. Our mobility has weakened our bonds to our community. The street where I played touch football is now lined with so many cars that the kids couldn’t play there even if they wanted to. Technology has shrunk our world, but too often, we get more outraged by injustices on the other side of the world than we do at troubles in our own backyard. Our interaction with our neighborhood consists of walking from our front door to our car and back again. We shield ourselves from our neighbors behind double-locked doors and shuttered blinds.

Mister Rogers entered my mind last week, shortly after I received a W-2 in the mail. It had my street address, but not my name or that of anyone in my family. Realizing that it would be futile to simply return it to the post office, I opened up the local phone book to randomly call local residents with the same last name, hoping to personally deliver the tax form. Fortunately, my daughter recognized the name as that of a high-school classmate who lives in another section of our development.

I live in a co-operative, a series of connected brownstones, four to eight per building. This particular family, which turned out to have an unlisted phone number, lives three buildings down from me and across the street. I still didn’t know their street number, so I chose an apartment at random in that building, and asked the woman there if she knew the family. Not only did she not recognize the name, she said, but she didn’t know any neighbors with a teenage boy.

Three doors down from her, I found the right family. (It turned out that the employer mistook a “2” for a “7.”). After handing over the W-2, I shook my head and wondered how oblivious you have to be to not know there’s a teenage boy living less than fifty yards from you.

I quickly realized, however, that I am no less oblivious. Once I get home, I block out my surroundings and immerse myself in TV or the computer. I carry on nightly e-mail chats with my daughter in Boston or my brother in Baton Rouge, but when I pass one of my neighbors outside, conversation rarely extends past, “Good morning.” If I’m feeling particularly chipper, I might add, “Nice weather we’re having.”

My wife and I have names for our neighbors, but not the ones their parents gave them. Instead, we’ve assigned them nicknames based on their possessions or appearance. There’s “Jaguar Guy,” “Cat Lady,” “The Young Blonde” and “Pete Seeger,” who’s a dead ringer for the famous folk singer. There’s “Crazy Spanish Lady,” who, when she runs into me in the laundry room, always asks me, “You speak Spanish?” and even though I tell her, “No,” proceeds to deliver a lengthy monologue en Espanol.   There’s “Ted,” the strange neighbor we’ve named after serial killer Ted Bundy. There’s the elderly jogger I’ve dubbed Dead Man Running. The woman who frequently walks up and down the block, I assume for fresh air, we’ve dubbed “Irma,” after the streetwalker in Irma La Douce. In only a few of the cases do we know their real names.

And the indifference is mutual. Many of our neighbors are young couples who have bought a starter home, from which they’ll upgrade once they start having children. The co-op makes periodic attempts to organize a block party, but it usually peters out from lack of participation. Its annual meeting, where officers are elected, struggles to attract members from 1/3 of its households, the minimum requirement for a quorum.

This seems to be a generational phenomenon, because my older neighbors are far chattier. Mary, the retired nurse who lived two doors down from us, walked everywhere and talked to everyone. When she passed away two years ago at age 90, we lost our best source of local gossip. Whenever I run into June, a great-grandmother who lives in the next building, she always asks for updates on my older daughter’s wedding plans and my younger daughter’s college search. Few of the others show any such curiosity about my family, nor do I about theirs.

Eventually I have learned some things about them. “Jaguar Guy” works in the same building as my wife, but until he ran for our co-op board, we didn’t know his name or that he was a biomedical researcher. Until I saw his name on a memo, I didn’t know that “Pete Seeger” worked for the same corporation as I did. It was by accident that I learned that another neighbor grew up in the Bronx with one of my best friends. “The Young Blonde” participates in a local roller-derby league. “Ted,” who has Parkinson’s, is always one of the first with a shovel after a snowstorm. And “Crazy Spanish Lady” seems to be such a devoted grandmother that I wish I did habla Espanol. My obliviousness is a shame, because people are always more interesting and complex than the imaginary pigeonhole we assign them to.

Mister Rogers would have understood.

(Postscript: This morning, I read the obituaries in my local paper, a habit necessitated by growing awareness of mortality. I was startled to see an obituary for the neighbor I had dubbed “Cat Lady.” Her real name was Renate. She was only four years older than me and since she was much slimmer, she seemed outwardly healthier. Though I am scornful of aphorisms like “live every day as if it were your last” – if I had followed that advice, I would have lived my last day decades ago – the obituary reminded me of the unpredictability of life, that careful planning for success and health only slightly tilts the odds in your favor. I didn’t know Cat Lady’s interests, her cultural tastes, her politics. All I know is that on the few occasions I chatted with her, she seemed kind. Being thought kind by passing acquaintances is a good way to be remembered.)

Posted in media, personal | Tagged , , | 1 Comment