Like my friend OESheepdog, I made predictions for 2012. Let’s double-check them for accuracy. Was I Nostradamus or Nostra-dumbass?
Partisanship will continue to be the rule in Washington.
Fighting will continue in the Middle East.
Lindsay Lohan will have legal troubles.
OK, I admit I took a few gimmes upfront to guarantee that my success rate wouldn’t be zero percent.
An idiotic video of a guy doing a ridiculous dance will go viral.
A major newsmagazine will discontinue publishing a print copy.
The highlight of the Republican convention will be a scene involving a famous actor and an empty chair representing President Obama. Honestly, I thought it would be Chuck Norris delivering it a karate kick, but …
Despite bizarre weather events, like a devastating hurricane in the Northeast U.S., global warming will not be mentioned in any of the Presidential debates. Despite the continuing escalation of gun massacres, gun control will not be an issue in the Presidential campaign. Inexplicably, rape will become a major campaign issue. Yeah, I’m surprised I got that one right. Seemed thoroughly illogical.
The Republican Presidential candidate will be compared to an Etch-a-Sketch. No joke, I actually predicted this. Days before campaign adviser Eric Fehrnstrom’s infamous remark about Mitt Romney, I self-published my book, Send In the Clown Car, which included the following question:
Why is the Republican race like an Etch-a-Sketch?
a) Because the voters keep shaking it up, hoping to create a more appealing picture
b) Because only a child would find it intellectually stimulating
c) Because their ideas are rooted in a previous century
d) All of the above, not to mention that the product used to be manufactured in the U.S.A. but is now built in China
The most accurate election predictions will come not from an experienced pol, but from a former baseball analyst. I meant Tim McCarver, not Nate Silver, but let me check with the judges – OK, they’re giving me credit for it.
When President Obama is declared the winner on Election Day, Karl Rove will take the result gracefully and liberals will not react with schadenfreude. Typo. I meant to include the word “not” in the second clause, not the third.
In a startling break with its prudish image, The New York Times will print a sexually salacious phrase on its front page. Unfortunately, I was not referring to “pussy riot,” but to “swinging dicks,”which shows that my predictions are too male-centric. Mea culpa.
The Supreme Court will uphold the Affordable Care Act, otherwise known as Obamacare. However, the wording will initially confuse several major news outlets into believing that the Court has struck it down. You may be impressed by this prediction, but expecting CNN and Fox to be incompetent is like expecting the sun to rise in the East.
When a jury fails to convict John Edwards of misusing campaign funds to hide an extramarital affair, we will realize that we have misjudged Edwards as a callous, oily-haired, cheating sleaze ball when he is, in fact, an honorable man who has been besotted by the love of his soul mate. Well, I got the “fails to convict” part right.
A major government official, perhaps a former general, will admit to having had an extramarital affair with a woman with a Bond-girl name like “Broadwell.” People will express their shock and disgust, then go back to downloading porn and reading 50 Shades of Grey. An especially impressive prediction, since 50 Shades wouldn’t be published for another three months.
The producer of a famous junk food will announce that they are going out of business, causing a ridiculous nostalgia for a product that no semi-healthy person has eaten in 30 years. I will celebrate this correct prediction on March 12 by bursting into Mayor Bloomberg’s office and washing down a Twinkie with a 32-oz. Coke.
O.J. Simpson will find the real killers. Well, technically, if he has a mirror in his cell…
Dick Cheney will get a heart transplant. I got this one wrong. It’s only considered a heart transplant if you are replacing an existing heart.
As the dreaded “fiscal cliff” approaches, politicians will come to their senses and compromise for the greater good of the nation. Also, I have a bridge to sell you.
Donald Trump will make a major announcement, which will turn out to be silly and anticlimactic, on a cheesy You Tube video. Sometimes, it’s just too easy.
U.S. troops will still be fighting in Afghanistan at year’s end. I checked the newspapers and could find no evidence of our troops there, so apparently I got this one wrong.
In a nationally televised game against an arch-rival, a New York Jets quarterback will run face first into his blocker’s butt, causing a fumble that is run back for a touchdown. Hey, do I know my team or what?
A New York Mets pitcher will win the Cy Young Award as best pitcher and immediately be traded. Hey, do I know my team or what?
LeBron James will finally win an NBA championship in Miami, causing bitter sports fans in his former city of Cleveland to wonder, “Why does God hate us?” Not true. Cleveland sports fans didn’t display an ounce of bitterness.
In the last hockey game before another NHL lockout causes the league to go dark, the Stanley Cup will, appropriately, be won by a major Canadian community. True. Los Angeles has a large community of transplanted Canadians.
Just days before the London Olympics in which his horse Rafalca will participate, Republican nominee Mitt Romney will impress the British with his gracious, supportive comments. Well, he must have said at least one nice thing in that interview.
The Oscar for Best Picture will go to a French silent movie. Yeah, I was just yanking your chain with … wait, you mean that really happened?
A famous actor who is a practicing Scientologist will be divorced amid rumors about his sexual orientation. Another gimme.
President Obama, who was criticized for inviting an African-American rapper with offensive lyrics to the White House, will shake hands at the Kennedy Center with a white rock band whose lyrics include “squeeze my lemon until the juice runs down my leg,” and no one will bat an eye. Nailed it!
There will be a new TV show called “Here Comes Honey Boo” which will be so repulsive that it will mark the end of reality TV. There may have been some liquor involved in making this prediction.
A film about an American President will be a critical and box-office hit. Oops, I was talking about my original screenplay Fillmore, which is still looking for studio backing.
Open Salon will solve all of its technical problems. Hey, there is still 72 hours left in the year, so I’m optimistic.