Have you been paying attention to the news this year? Of course you have. That explains why you’re cowering under your desk. As always, there is no need to keep score with this quiz, since the answer is always the last one, except when it’s obviously all of them.
1. What did not end in 2014?
a. Derek Jeter’s baseball career
b. Microsoft support for Windows XP
c. The Colbert Report
2. Which one of the following received a grand jury indictment?
a. The cop who killed Michael Brown in Ferguson
b. The cop who killed Tamir Rice in Cleveland
c. The cop who killed Eric Garner in New York
d. The guy who filmed the killing of Eric Garner
3. Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling was banned by the NBA in April for making racist remarks. What had he been scheduled to do in May?
a. Become an analyst for Fox News
b. Hire George Zimmerman as his bodyguard
c. Buy an NHL team so he could be around more white people
d. Receive an award from the NAACP
4. Who got married in 2014?
a. Ray Rice
b. Adrian Peterson
c. Charles Manson
d. Yay for traditional marriage!
5. The governors of New York and New Jersey instituted a mandatory quarantine at local airports for anyone who had recent contact with:
a. Bill Cosby
b. The Moreland Commission investigating corruption in the New York state government
c. Anyone investigating the George Washington Bridge closure
d. Ebola patients
6. When Dr. Craig Spencer returned to New York after working with Ebola patients, he alarmed many New Yorkers by taking a subway to a bowling alley shortly before developing symptoms of the disease. What was their biggest concern?
a. What if he held the same subway strap I’m holding on to?
b. What if I stick my fingers in the same ball he used?
c. I just used their urinal. What if he missed and I stepped in his pee?
d. Dude leaves the country for several weeks, and the first thing he wants to do when he returns is go bowling?
7. Complete the quote from an email sent by Chris Christie’s deputy chief of staff, Bridget Anne Kelly: “Time for some ___ in Fort Lee.”
b. Rectal rehydration
d. Traffic problems
8. What percentage of the registered voters turned out for the midterm election?
a. Wait, there was an election this year?
b. It wasn’t Presidential, so it couldn’t have been important, right?
c. Oh well, I had to do that thing that day anyway.
9. On Election Day, voters in the red states of Alaska, Arkansas, Nebraska, and South Dakota approved proposals to do what?
a. Block same-sex marriage
b. Impose further restrictions on abortion
c. Urge the building of the Keystone XL pipeline
d. Increase the minimum wage
10. Newly elected Iowa Senator Joni Ernst, in her campaign ads, argued her ability to cut pork from the Federal budget by touting her skill at what?
a. Managing a household budget
b. Being a CFO at a major corporation
c. Preparing kosher meals
d. Castrating hogs
11. The House Intelligence committee, controlled by Republicans, issued a report on Benghazi that concluded that “there was no intelligence failure” and that the CIA “ensured sufficient security.” What was Sen. Lindsay Graham’s response to the report?
a. “Our attempt to sow distrust of the Obama Administration was misguided and I apologize for any part I played.”
b. “I am relieved that Hillary Clinton can run for President in 2016 without having this incident used against her.”
c. “I can assure you that Congress will never again exploit the deaths of diplomats for partisan political gain.”
d. “The report is full of crap.”
12. Why did CIA Director John O. Brennan apologize to the Senate in July?
a. He didn’t mean to send that drunken text message to Barbara Boxer
b. He really didn’t mean to send that sext to Mitch McConnell
c. He shouldn’t have stepped between Chuck Schumer and a TV camera
d. He admitted spying on Senate staffers who wanted to investigate the CIA’s interrogation program
13. According to the Senate Intelligence report on CIA torture, detainee Hassan Ghul willingly gave his captors a lot of information which helped lead to the location of Osama bin Laden, singing (according to one official) “like a tweetie bird.” What did the CIA do then?
a. They shook his hand and thanked him for the information
b. They put him in a nicer cell with cable and a DVD player
c. They re-read the Geneva Conventions
d. He was transferred to a black site prison, where he was placed in a hanging stress position and deprived of sleep for 59 hours, which resulted in no additional useful information.
14. Who is Jonathan Gruber?
a. The guy who started the Ice Bucket Challenge
b. The Uber executive who proposed investigating reporters who criticized the company
c. The naturalist who was supposed to be eaten alive by an anaconda on a Discovery Channel show
d. One of the architects of the Affordable Care Act caught on tape saying the law’s “lack of transparency” was designed because of “the stupidity of the American voter”
15. What did Ted Cruz call “Obamacare for the Internet”?
b. All those Dr. Phil books available from Amazon
d. Net neutrality
16. Which of the following women were harassed on Twitter?
a. The daughter of the late Robin Williams
b. The daughters of Chicago Bears head coach Marc Trestman
c. Female video game developers
d. Are there women who haven’t been harassed on Twitter?
17. The organization Hollaback released a video in which a young woman was secretly filmed walking through the streets of Manhattan. How many…
a. Ooh, your news quiz is so hot!
b. Hey babe, would it hurt you to smile while you’re writing this?
c. (Walking silently next to me for five minutes.)
d. She was catcalled 107 times in 10 hours.
18. Which one of the following rejected use of the word “feminist”?
b. Emma Watson
c. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
d. Time Magazine, which included it in a list of words that should be banned
19. A Walmart store in Oklahoma asked its employees to:
a. Petition for a higher minimum wage
c. Take Thanksgiving off
d. Contribute to a food drive for their fellow employees
20. Wait, didn’t you ask that same question last year?
a. Yup. Same shit, different year.
21. Which of the following stories, widely shared on social media, turned out to be almost certainly a hoax?
a. A three-year-old girl was prevented from entering a Kentucky Fried Chicken because she was too disfigured
b. A video of a girl pretending to be drunk being hit on by several men who tried to take her home to sleep with her
c. A woman claimed to have had a third breast surgically implanted
d. All of the above, and we’ll be falling for the next one any minute now, so seriously don’t believe anything you read on the Internet unless it’s from a reputable news site like The New York Times. On the other hand…
22. Because even The New York Times has to report on Kim Kardashian’s ass, a November 22 article on her nude Paper Magazine cover quoted a Kanye West interview in which he said, “My booty is like Michelangelo level, you feel me?” Why did the Times have to issue a subsequent correction?
a. Art critics determined his booty only rose to Winslow Homer levels
b. Kanye was referring to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Michelangelo, not the Italian artist
c. He meant booty as in material goods
d. The “quote” came from the fake news site The Daily Currant.
23. Photographer Georgine Benvenuto suffered an injured nose in a drone attack. Where did this take place?
d. She was hit by a Mobile Mistletoe drone in a Brooklyn TGI Friday’s.
24. What does CNN’s Wolf Blitzer fantasize about?
a. That they find Malaysian Flight 370…
b. And they learn that it was shot down by ISIS…
c. And they discover that everyone on board had Ebola…
d. And it sparks riots in Ferguson.
25. What did not change in 2014?
a. George Clooney’s marital status
b. The number of states that allow same-sex marriage
c. LeBron James’s team
d. The likelihood of peace in the Middle East
26. The Interview, a new film starring Seth Rogen and James Franco, is about two journalists sent to assassinate Kim Jung-un. What was the North Korean leader’s reaction to this movie?
a. “Ooh, I love Seth Rogen! James Franco, not so much.”
b. “I plan to see a pirated copy as soon as I recover from ankle surgery.”
c. “Yes, kill me before Dennis Rodman visits me again.”
d. “Making and releasing a film that portrays an attack on our top-level leadership is the most blatant act of terrorism and war and will absolutely not be tolerated.”
27. What is Conestoga Wood?
a. A new national park in Pennsylvania
b. A Weird Al Yankovic parody of “Norwegian Wood”
c. An Amish porn star
d. Co-plaintiff in Hobby Lobby’s suit against the ACA’s contraception mandate
28. Dale Scott became the first major league baseball umpire to do what?
a. Go a whole season without ejecting a manager
b. Fail a steroid test
c. Wear eyeglasses
d. Come out publicly as gay
29. On the heels of his success with Killing Kennedy and Killing Lincoln, Bill O’Reilly’s latest book is titled Killing …
b. White Privilege
c. Whoever Recorded That Phone Conversation About Loofahs
30. In September, many iTunes users were upset to find what in their Purchased folder, whether they wanted it or not?
a. Hacked nude celebrity photos
b. Instructions on how to bend your iPhone 6
c. A Groupon offer for an Apple Watch
d. The new U2 album
31. Who are Ricky Jackson, Michael Hanline, Henry Lee McCollum, and Leon Brown?
a. The members of the boy band One Direction
b. The defensive backfield for the Super Bowl champion Seattle Seahawks
c. The real names of the Guardians of the Galaxy
d. Four men who were exonerated this year after serving more than 30 years in prison for crimes they didn’t commit
32. Who is Adele Dazeem?
a. The missing wife in Gone Girl
b. The first Republican African-American woman elected to the House of Representatives
c. The nurse who refused to be quarantined after returning from treating Ebola patients
d. John Travolta’s Oscar mispronunciation of singer Idina Menzel
33. Who probably won’t be exchanging Christmas cards this year?
a. Elizabeth Lauten and the Obama girls
b. Jeff Bezos and Hachette authors
c. Taylor Swift and the CEO of Spotify
d. All of the above
34. The Texas Board of Education approved new social studies textbooks which asserted that the Constitution was inspired by the New Testament. What were some of the changes deleted in the final stages?
a. Promotion of climate change denialism
b. A cartoon comparing beneficiaries of affirmative action to space aliens
c. Stereotypes of Muslims
d. Are you sure this isn’t a news story from The Onion?
35. Wait, wasn’t there any good news in 2014?
a. Well, we landed a probe on a freakin’ comet!
b. Yeah, but one of the scientists wore a tasteless shirt in an interview so screw them.
c. Malala Yousafzai won the Nobel Peace Prize!
d. Oh, does that mean all Pakistani girls are getting an education now?
e. The unemployment rate is down to 5.8%.
f. That’s great. Can you lend me twenty bucks until payday? Wait, I still don’t have a payday.
g. We brought Bowe Bergdahl home from the Taliban.
h. Wasn’t he a traitor, or a deserter, or a secret Muslim terrorist, or whatever the hell Fox News was saying at the time?
i. GM became the first automaker to hire a female CEO!
j. Yeah, just as they were about to have a massive recall and a PR disaster.
k. An African-American movie won Best Picture!
l. A brutal depiction of slavery. Yup, a feel-good story.
m. The new version of Cosmos, hosted by Neil deGrasse Tyson, was very popular.
n. So was Sharknado 2.
o. The price of gasoline dropped by a lot.
p. That reminds me, did you ever put those solar panels on your roof?
q. How about that Mo’Ne Davis?!
r. A year from now, most Sports Illustrated readers will go, “Mo’Ne who?”
s. Madison Bumgarner’s performance in the World Series was inspiring.
t. Meh, I was rooting for the Kansas City Royals.
u. Congress passed a law that, um, er, give me a second and I’ll remember something they did …
v. Yeah, I think they named a library in Kalamazoo.
w. Of the 349 days so far this year, 335 had no mass shootings in America.
x. OK, now you’re just getting desperate.
y. Well, aren’t you a ray of sunshine!
z. Just keepin’ it real, bro!